It’s hard, isn’t it? The non-conformity that comes with making choices that go against the grain of the parenting zeitgeist. 

That heart-pumping, mind-racing feeling when you decide to take the path less trodden and are confronted by those you love trying to pull you back onto their path. 

You don’t want to leave your baby crying alone, despite the world yelling that you should.

You choose connection over coercion every time, despite the side glances when your child is feeling all the feels in the middle of the supermarket.

You lean into your influence as a guide to your children rather than becoming the dictator they say you must be to prevent your child from manipulating you.

Your compass for social justice is stronger than your need for social conformity. 

You want to break generational cycles and rewrite the story for you and your child.

So, you’ve learned all the reasons why cosleeping, full-term breastfeeding and conscious discipline are so much more beneficial to your child’s mental and emotional well-being. 

You’ve studied countless statistics and poured over peer-reviewed journal articles on safe sleep and infant brain development.

You’ve felt inspired by other people’s stories and world-leading experts on child development and attachment science.

And yet, when you find yourself in those moments being questioned about why you’re not sleep training your baby, disciplining your toddler or homeschooling your child, you feel your confidence waver. 

You feel an internal tug-of-war between your socialised programming to people please, to fit in, to follow the crowd, to not cause a fuss AND your deep yearning to trust your instincts, treat your child with respect, and foster connection, peace and belonging within your family. 

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

Brené Brown

To choose a different path in a world that encourages time outs, punishments and premature independence the one thing, above all the knowledge, that will get you through is…confidence. 

But, confidence is hard to find when we feel like we’re the only ones parenting this way.

We struggle with a lack of healthy boundaries, with a fear of judgement, and feelings of guilt and indecision, when the world is screaming for us to parent their way. To follow the “rules” of modern parenthood. 

It is only when you start to identify and diffuse these paralysing feelings of doubt and worry that you claim your confidence and becomes the self-led natural parent you know you can be. This is when what you say, how you act and what you believe become aligned. 

How to stop caring (too much) what others think 

James Clear explores the ideas around our natural human desire to fit in, and to be part of the crowd in his wonderful book, Atomic Habits. James says that “we want to fit in, to bond with others, and to earn the respect and approval of our peers. Such inclinations are essential to our survival. For most of our evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in tribes. Becoming separated from the tribe – or worse, being cast out – was a death sentence. Meanwhile, those who collaborated and bonded with others enjoyed increased safety, mating opportunities, and access to resources.”

It is natural and normal to want to fit in – humans are more like herd animals than lone wolves. Ironically, in our evolutionary history being a natural parent, holding our babies close, learning through play and parenting through connection would have automatically meant that we fit in. These are the ways that humans are biologically wired to parent. 

The bind we find ourselves in is that we’re in an evolutionary and cultural mismatch – the way our society tells us we need to parent in modern Western times is at odds with how humans are designed to parent. 

We know that birds nest. Wolves den. Kangaroos have a pouch. And humans carry. We keep our young close day and night. We are designed to hold on through the longest period of maturation of any mammal on the planet.

There is nothing wrong with you mama, for wanting to hold your baby close. 

There is nothing wrong with your baby for needing you day and night. 

You are both listening to the connection that is woven through our human DNA. And, in our disconnected culture, that takes courage.  

So, when you have chosen to divert away from the current parenting paradigm how do you find the confidence to blaze your own trail? 

How do you stay true to raising your child when everyone around you has their own opinion and unsolicited advice to hand out? 

When you’ve grown up being conditioned to bend to the whim of the world how do you then become steadfast for the sake of your children?

There isn’t one clear direction through the forest of self-doubt that will help us on our natural parenting journey but there are beacons that can help guide us on our way. And it isn’t so much that we will completely stop caring what other people think (that’s natural and normal!), but we need to start caring more about our values and how important it is for our kids that we are in responsive, respectful relationships with them. So, here are a few ideas to begin to nurture the confident parent that resides beneath the cultural conditioning within all of us.

Knowing your WHY

Developing a deep understanding of your parenting values can help you create an unshakeable conviction in a world full of those taking a more conventional path. 

By knowing your WHY you will become guided by this compass, which will help you remember in the more difficult moments what is most important to you. Those moments when Grandma is questioning your choice not to sleep train, or the lady behind the checkout is telling your child to toe the line when they’re melting down in the supermarket.

Knowing where you’re wanting to head in the long term can help you make clearer choices at the moment. 

Deep down what is most important to you as a family? Is it connection, emotional well-being, authenticity, health, joy, or slowness? Or is it making choices that look good in front of others, having quiet obedient kids, or training your baby to stop signalling to you through the night?

Parenting is deeply personal and no matter which way we cut it, it’s hard. There’ll be people who will disagree and question your choices. There’ll be times when you feel like compromising on your values. There’ll likely not be another family who has the exact same values as yours and that is ok. What is important is deciding what it is that matters most to you and your family. 

Drawing your line in the sand

“Boundaries are not walls, they are not separation, boundaries are not division, they are respect. It’s saying, here’s what’s ok for me and what’s not.”

Brené Brown

Without boundaries, we will forever be swayed by the words and actions of others. Boundaries afford us protection; a filter that allows some words and actions in and keeps others out. Without boundaries, we’re at the mercy of the world around us.

Boundaries allow us to go out into the world and interact with others while remaining true to ourselves, our values and our beliefs. In short, boundaries allow us to live in the world with integrity and authenticity, regardless of what the rest of the world may think, believe or say. 

Boundaries are the foundation of being a confident conscious parent. 

To live in alignment with our values we must begin to set healthy boundaries. Bringing intention to how we will and won’t allow ourselves to be treated protects our hearts and minds. It frees us to show up in the world authentically and prevents feelings of frustration when people are pushing for us to behave or act differently.

Those who benefit most from our own boundaries are our children; the ones who witness us daily. Modelling healthy boundaries allows them to grow in the light of this example so that boundaries become a natural and easy part of their own existence. We teach them that caring and honouring themselves is of utmost importance and is the foundation of self-love, and self-care.

Imagine a world where our children are unafraid to ask for what they need and have little fear of other opinions or reactions. If this isn’t motivation enough to get clear on your own boundaries, then what is?

Becoming impervious

We cannot avoid judgement, because as humans we are wired for it. It comes thick and fast to any mother from the moment she falls pregnant. There’s always someone there ready to offer their opinion on how you should birth, feed or raise your child. 

It can feel impossible as a new parent not to be swayed or influenced by others around you. When everything is new and you’re finding your own way to dance with your baby, know that you cannot and will not ever please everyone. 

If I’m facing judgment that can’t be counterbalanced with logic or empathy the thing that saves me is developing thick skin. Find your truth and stick to it: you can’t please everyone and your top priority is your child’s long-term emotional well-being. If the choice is to compromise in order to please others, always choose your child.

It is not up to you to take care of other people’s feelings about your choices. Let them have their feelings about it, and you continue to do you!

It is sometimes easier said than done but try not to worry so much about what other people think. Draw strength from the positive influence your parenting is having on YOUR CHILD and do what’s right for YOU. It’s like strengthening a muscle, the more your practice the easier it becomes. 

And, remember, most mothers judge one another anyway, so no matter what you do someone will find fault in it. Find your truth and stick to it: you can’t please everyone so honour your child and do what’s right for your family.

Surround yourself with others just like you

Everyone is different, everyone has their own way of living life. But there is peace and confidence that comes with being surrounded by those with similar values making choices similar to our own. To have even one person you can be vulnerable and honest with, can give you the power to face the tide of the many who don’t.

When you swim against the tide of modern parenting ideas having others swimming with you can help remind you of why you do what you do. It can help you know you’re not out there alone. 

“It is hard to swim against the current and risk the negative judgments of parenting peers. Yet, some do, and if enough begin to swim upstream, the river may change its flow.”

Peter Gray

You can become the confident parent your child needs 

With loving instruction, plenty of inner reflection and a community of support behind you, you can find the wisdom and grit to stop giving too much of a toss what everyone else thinks and instead, follow through on what feels right for your family – be it cosleeping, breastfeeding, homeschooling, gentle discipline, and any other non-mainstream act of natural parenting.

It’s not an easy road and it takes deep inner work and dedication to show up in a way that fully supports our children. Our kids grow us into the parent they need us to be and for us to become that we must be willing to walk through the fire and alchemise ourselves into the unwavering, steadfast grown up they need.

Inside Gather – the membership community for natural parents – I’ve created The Confident Parent course, which is the foundation of the work we do inside the membership to boost your confidence. 

Together with others walking through the fire, getting clear on their own values, determined to go against the grain you can discover how to become impervious to others’ opinions, and how to hold clear and solid boundaries that align fully with your own family’s values. You will have a village of people swimming against the tide with you.

If you’re ready to step into your natural parenting confidence, join us inside the Raised Good membership community Gather. Doors are opening July 3rd to 10th. Learn more here.